trace*

rovers trek breakaway

2011-12-13T05:50:00.000-08:00

perhaps the rovers trek this week is at the right time, to breakaway from everything and do some soul searching. signed up for it alone, so i'll be forced to go out of my comfort zone and interact with new people, and not think so much about life issues and problems. read a book yesterday, and it made me even more uncertain.

a few days ago, i was enjoying the sea breeze, sound of waves crashing, and star gazing. it's that simple, yet soothing. and i hope the rovers trek this week will have the same effect on me.

in life, nothing is as important as being happy! :)

merry-go-round

2011-12-13T03:32:00.000-08:00

“Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit it openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.” - Sigmund Freud

some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.

ironies of life

2011-12-03T00:36:00.000-08:00

which is harder - remembering or forgetting?

someday my prince will arrive

2011-11-13T00:41:00.000-08:00

forget the risk and take the fall, if it’s what you want, it’s worth it all.

uncertainty is more beautiful

2011-11-09T17:00:00.000-08:00

what happens if i can’t find the one? :(

beautiful is such a certainty, but uncertainty is more beautiful.

2011-11-06T16:04:00.000-08:00

loggerheads

2011-10-10T03:37:00.000-07:00

i can't remember when was the last time i saw him. and gradually, i don't miss him at all or look forward to seeing him. he's more like a friend to me now. is this the kind of relationship i want? and it isn't fair to him when i don't love him as wholeheartedly as i used to.

should i hold on or let go? why are matters of the heart so complicated? your heart and your brain are in constant loggerheads with each other.

2011-09-29T00:12:00.000-07:00

mid-semester reflections

2011-09-26T09:48:00.000-07:00

25% of my year4 has just gone by like that. it's been a very busy 6 weeks + recess week, coping with 23mc of modules, part-time internship, ulc agm video, splashdown, and getting used to level4000 mods. spent the weekend of my recess week at the lifesaving nationals and felt inspired by the many athletes there, by their passion, determination and the team spirit. perhaps if i'm good enough next year, i'll try my luck in competing. after all, the next 3 years after graduation will be dedicated to achieving my goals in sports and fitness - bmt, ocs, triathlons, sub-10 2.4km.

what now, henceforth? the semester ahead is an arduous journey and i need all the focus and determination to score even better than the past semesters. it'll be tough, but i'll conquer it!

2011-09-10T16:25:00.000-07:00

re-visiting

2011-07-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

re-looking at my past blog posts, they were written at one of the saddest points of my life. and it carried so much thoughts of soul searching and self-realization. the re-post pictures at my tumblr kinda reflects the progression of emotions that i felt. really, time heals all wounds and i can barely remember what happened then. two years on, the nightmare of gloom is over. i am so fortunate now to have my darling who loves me so much :)

halfway there

2011-06-24T02:45:00.000-07:00

It's already halfway through my holidays. It's time to do reflections!

The month of May was mundane, after the election hype and post-exam celebrations, it was alot of slacking around, training for sundown marathon, looking for essay competitions, sending out applications, and hanging out with friends. And this semester results were the best I ever got in my 3years! So happy! :D I will do even better in year 4! :)

June is coming to an end very soon, which was mostly filled with work. Meeting up with friends, learning how to play monopoly deal (so fun!), cycling on road bike for first time (also v fun!), experimenting with alot of IT stuffs like html and photoshop, watching movies, swimming alot (more than running).

July is going to get even more exciting! I signed up for dive camp and rovers trek already! Still deciding whether to join windsurf camp. It's back to the days of joining camps and rah-rah-ing! :D I'm quite thankful that my work is only 3-days a week, so similar to last year's rsis internship! So much freedom and flexibility! :) And then most of july will be meeting up with friends, planning for modules and brainstorming for a thesis topic.

So far, holidays has been terrific! :) I still need to think of a way to earn more income to fund my expenses! :)

what do i want in life?

2011-06-04T00:52:00.000-07:00

Before the start of holidays, i told myself i had to do some soul searching and find out my purpose here on earth. Exactly one month into the holidays, I still have not accomplished much, due to procrastination and obstinacy. It's been three weeks of slacking, chilling and internship hunting that I finally found a job at the eu centre. Thankfully my life has regained some momentum - more regular sleep hours, some income, and engaging my brain to think. A 3-days work week means more self-time for me, and I should fully utilize this opportunity. It kind of resembles my rsis internship last summer vacation, full freedom in work!

I have exactly two more months before school starts and I need to strategise to maximize the time I have. Okay this is the schedule I have thought of:

1. Join at least 3 essay competitions (okay i've been procrastinating so much that i missed 2 very potential competitions sigh. there's really a gigantic difference between wanting to and willing to)

2. Go borders to read books on my free days, at least once a week! Book genres: sports, self-help books, biographies. Being a bookworm is good! :) And i do hope i'll be able to find stories of inspiration for myself and what i want in life :)

3. Learn roller blading. I have to buy a pair of roller blades first! I should spend this holiday acquiring a new skill! :)

4. Start working on module stuffs as soon as the list of ps modules are out in july. I have no time to waste, cos I might have to take 28MCs worth of modules, all in the hope of pulling up my cap further. I know I will regret months or years later if I don't even try. Year 4, make the leap or stagnate. And I will do my utmost best :)

time heals all wounds

2011-02-08T01:18:00.000-08:00

86,400 seconds a day. how many of it have you used to smile, laugh or say thanks? as i reflect on my daily life, it seems that i spend less than 1% of my day being cheery and grateful. it's one thing to be optimistic, but another to be really truely happy. somehow, i've learnt that gratefulness leads to happiness. being contented with what you have translates to happiness. no? previously, i did not agree that contentment = happiness. because if you are easily contented, then you have no aspirations and expectations to reach greater heights. but now, i've realised that a fine balance between contentment and expectations is the most ideal and realistic.

i'm contented with all i have, for the family background i'm born into, i wouldn't have achieved what i wanted today if i was born in another social background or condition. inequality exists in the world, and if you seek justice and fairness, what's just and fair to you may be completely contrasted with another's perspective.

the friends i have, be they my best buddies or hi-bye friends, somehow our paths crossed and it's meant to be fated this way then. i've always daydreamed what will happen if i attended another school, joined another cca or happened to be at a particular place at a certain time, i would be much happier. i wouldn't turn back time and change anything, because at one point in time, it was exactly what i wanted, even if things may not turn out the way you want. this is called life, adapting to what it throws at you. fate meant that we crossed our paths, but it's a mutual choice that if we're friends or more than that. again, it's about the fine balance, one-sidedness in friendship or relationship isn't realistic at all. you give some and you receive some.

and really, i do agree with the adage "time heals all wounds". at another point in time, you will realise that certain things are enlarged out of proportions and too much effort and emotions were put into the matters. i am grateful that certain things happened and it will prepare myself for facing even harder obstacles in life. come what may, i will survive eventually. smiles always! :)

outstanding.

2011-02-06T17:14:00.000-08:00

i've always wanted to be unique, outstanding and special. but along the way, i realised that no matter how hard i try, i've rarely, if ever, received positive comments like "that's amazing" or "excellent!" instead, it's usually "you can do better", "there's room for more improvement", "good job, but..." there's always a comparison to even better people or past results when you have tried your best. there is no choice but to bear with this if you want to live in a meritocratic society. good is never enough, what's excellent to you is deemed as so-so in another's perspective.

disappointment

2011-02-04T03:51:00.000-08:00

Somehow your actions and words do not match up...

So many times have I traveled over to your house to study with you, despite the distance. And today, you disappointed me greatly. Even when I told you two weeks ago, reminded you last weekend, and even mentioned about it yesterday, you did not even make the effort to confirm with me till this morning when I bugged you when you are coming over for cny visiting. My parents were so looking forward to meeting you. It just shows how little you care about my feelings and about me. CNY and almost a whole week of absence from work next week, and you don't have time to visit me and my family, or rather, i can feel the sheer reluctance from you. I'm just very disappointed.

live your life

2010-11-15T18:50:00.000-08:00

live your life and dreams and become the person you were always meant to be, and let no one stop you. cos that's what i really want and at the risk of the incredulous impossibility and wasting of one year, i won't know the possibility if i don't even have the courage to try for it.

2010-11-09T03:48:00.000-08:00

live a life full of love, trust and courage

2010-11-06T16:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Self, today I learnt something - that is to live a life full of love, trust and courage. There's no point in imagining things and even worse, over-imagining things. That's equivalent to living in an artificial utopia or dystopia. On hindsight, alot of energy and time were wasted on trivial stuffs and by not communicating my frustrations and worries directly. I read these points somewhere and think it is worth to be kept in my tumblr.

1. Realize and remind yourself that there is always someone “better” out there. This is just the nature of life. There is always someone more educated, more attractive and more successful than you are, no matter who you are. There is nothing wrong with it. But this shouldn’t make any difference to your own life and your own sense of self-worth. After all, we all have our own path in life, our own unique set of circumstances, talents, abilities and opportunities. Your mission should be making the most out of what you have and being the best person you can be considering all the facts and circumstances of your life. Nobody can take the opportunity to do just that from you. The most important battles and victories you should be striving for are the ones against yourself.

2. Remember: your partner is with you for a reason – it’s because he/she wants to be with you. There must be something about you that he likes and appreciates more than in others. You might not even see or know what it is that is so special about you that your partner finds attractive and interesting about you, but that doesn’t really matter, even though you could ask and find out.

So here I am, on a task to be the best that I can be - to my family, my friends, my boyfriend and most important of all, to myself :)

Well, I shall start mugging again after this post!

year 3 mid-semester reflections

2010-09-17T16:29:00.000-07:00

half of the semester has arrived and flew by just like that. it's the end of week 6 already and things in yr3 are more hectic than i thought. i'll take a moment to do reflections and appreciate the things in my life.

studies - i love the modules i'm taking this semester, all but one - political inquiry. somehow, i'm not used to scrutinizing and nit-picking every single variable, statistical data or even unit of analysis! it's so physics! -.-" and the 1st assignment is so difficult, although i spend alot of time doing it, i still can't finish doing it to my satisfaction. 16 pages worth of answers, sometimes it just amazes me how my tutor is going to mark so many students' answers. but if everyone finds it tough, i'm gonna breakthrough and spend more time on it to embellish my answers. lol, whereas my essays have word limit, this module doesnt have any word limit! ok well, my other modules i'm enjoying it alot, i'm reading the readings like storybook :) it's getting increasingly stressful, but at a gradual pace, so i'm still adjusting well :) now it's time to chiong essays during the recess week!

lifesaving - issue no.1 i'm rather worried about bm. is it a matter of technique or water fitness, i just can't seem to swim fast enough. i am not sure if i can even hit 3:15 with my turtle speed swimming. well, maybe a turtle swims faster than me! afterall, it's their living environment! i'm so used to running and swimming long distance that i can't really sprint well now, cos there's always this mentality of conserving energy. maybe i'll visualise that there's a big white shark charging after me and i have to swim for my dear life with all my might! and i'm not used to being among the slowest in sports >.< it's an area where i've been excelling in. it's time to hit the gym more and convert my long-dist running muscles to sprinting swimming muscles temporarily. bm test is just end of next month. 6 more weeks. buck up! on another note, i joined the committee afterall. and it's not what the job scope that is tough, afterall i have the experience of designing and there are already existing posters that i can just do some editing and enhancing. it's like what my friend told me - it's the hidden obligations that you have to fulfill, going for meetings, functions, supporting events and doing saikang. ok maybe i'll just take it as a time for socializing and getting to know more people. since i don't really meet any new people now that the number of camps, ccas and socialising activities i go to have decreased by ten-fold! lol.

scubadiving - it's awesome fun to be underwater with the marine creatures! ahah initially i was very frantic and terrorized by the fishes swimming near me and i keep kicking here and there. afterawhile, they are quite harmless, i mean the cutie nemo-looking ones! :D it's really fascinating, all the corals, biological diversity and the tranquility of it. and it's a silent sport, what big or mystifying fishes you see, you can't exclaim to anyone, you can only gesture or nudge others, but only to realise that the fish has swam away. it's a unique experience, one that is exclusive to you only. ahahaha i want to go diving at a place where there are thousands of nemos swimming around! got such place? :D i hope so! and i learnt a very important lesson - get a zai buddy!!!

relationship - it's kinda complicated to express in words about this topic, but to summarise, i've learnt alot and experienced alot for the past 6 weeks. there are many dilemmas that i had to face. it seems that with the onset of school term, honeymoon stage is over already. it's too fast a transition from the holiday mood and krabi trip. work begins to pile up and my darling is buried under his never-ending pile of work. and meet-ups, calls and sms-es become fewer and fewer. and i unconsciously start exhibiting emotional swings. i likened myself to this hamster, you see, everyday you feed and play with your hamster. and suddenly, wham, you just feed and play with it only when you are free. -inconsistency. hamster thinks, i'm so hungry, starving and sad, when is my owner going to feed me? why my owner doesn't care for me anymore? feeding me is so easy, it takes only a few seconds... poor hammie. whether conviction is convincing or not depends on consistency as well. my friend told me, messaging someone is the easiest to do to maintain a relationship when you're very busy cos it just takes a few seconds and it lights up your partner's day already. yeah i agree, it's more time-efficient than a call or meet up, but still it can't replace the realness and endearment of voice and physical presence. i would say now is the most challenging point in our relationship, where it's the lack of time for each other that plays a crucial factor and also affect the amount of time, interest and energy we have to care and appreciate for each other. what makes it stronger is overcoming it!

if you happen to be reading this darling, know that i'll be there for you if you need a listening ear or supporter during this tough and hectic semester, i can't do much but at least i'll share your frustrations, stress and joys :)

2010-09-13T16:30:00.000-07:00

Real compromise, real sacrifice, real moments. The person you love, you have to use your whole heart to understand, to realise their heart, and to reflect what's best for him and what he really needs.

physics in life

2010-09-04T04:02:00.000-07:00

Girls are like electric wire and guys are like magnetic field. If current running along a piece of electric wire will induce magnetic field to form loops around it, then the outlook of a girl will represent how much current it has... so always smile and be optimistic! :)

2010-07-18T16:24:00.000-07:00

someday...

2010-07-12T09:07:00.000-07:00

someday i'll be an outstanding officer - earning and commanding respect.

someday i'll be an ironwoman triathlete - the blood, sweat, tears and pride.

someday i'll be an explorer - the journeys of understanding the world and people.

at this chapter of my life, i envision myself as such. kinda funny, cos i've even yet to graduate from university. and it's more important to focus on short-term immediate goals first. next semester marks the start of year 3. and it'll be the most important semester thus far - it's the one stacked with the greatest challenges, be it excelling academically, sports or interpersonal relationships.

Half of the 2010 has come and gone. So many things can happen in one day, let alone 6 months worth of time. I had intended to write this reflection of my half-year journey on 30 June, but oh well, procrastination has always been my no.1 habit. Recently I read a book regarding effective habits and I realised that I have been all along fighting procrastination. The key is to procrastinate wisely, trick your mind into thinking that you will still do your favourite facebooking, gaming, slacking later (when later eventually translate into "time to sleep"!). Procrastinate your favourite activities, boy that sounds fun. Hahaha. I better not procrastinate anymore, i've got to get back to doing my research paper!

I'll blog more at the end of this month, a wholesome 21 years of my life on planet earth! and i can't wait for my krabi birthday trip! :D

holidays are here! :)

2010-05-09T11:06:00.000-07:00

finally all the exam frenzy has ended! and so much things to be done this holiday! really alot alot alot! let's see...

1. find job/internship - really hope i get that military studies internship

2. meet up with my long lost friends (hahahaha)

3. train up for adidas sundown - gotta run, swim, gym, windsurf!

4. do overdue birthday scrapbooks - photoshopping, decors

5. tidy up my room, clothes, books, stack of notes, pens, hair accessories, bags - i'll need at least 100 hours to do that -.-"

6. learn how to bake cake and cook - by order from my darling! hahahahah

7. learn how to rollerblade and swim freestyle properly!

8. camp at borders/pageone/kino to read books!

9. do facials, manicures, pedicures, curl my hair

10. shopping! :)

i actually found the joys of learning through this exam frenzy period. studying political science can actually be so fun! :)

looking forward to the malaysia trip next week! :DD

Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie. - Shakespeare

2010-05-02T00:06:00.000-07:00

1st May. It marks a sad mEMOry of what happened a year ago. It's not worth it to bring up such stuffs, but through this one year, i've experienced a drastic impact on my personal development, passions and outlook towards life. I had to face through the ordeal myself without any guidelines, cheat code or shortcut, to coming out of the bottomless abyss. Perhaps once you reach the utmost bottom level, the only way is up. And i thank you for coming into my life and creating the obstacles i have to face, only to emerge stronger in time to come. Farewell, thy bittersweet image.

On another note, i really miss the night runs at Mount Faber very badly :( my sanctuary of solitude, solace, isolation, inspiration and achievements are all gone. I would always feel refreshed and recharged even after a 12km run. It's everything - the paranormic scenery, the welcoming nature, the exciting upslopes, the familiar strangers, the anticipation of running at the sanctuary after one whole day of work, and most of all, i miss exclaiming about my running mileage to my grandma... All good things come to an end, and i take comfort in having experienced the top of the world feeling for the past one year.

“I guess everyone has their reasons for keeping people away, an instinct to protect yourself from getting hurt. It’s part of human nature.” - Roswell

out of sight, out of mind

2010-04-21T14:42:00.000-07:00

Today is a special day, but it's characterized by greater amounts of sadness and reflections than happiness and appreciation. Perhaps i'm too used to being showered with care and love, receiving surprises, sweet well wishes, silly messages, random "what are you doing now" messages, daily morning and goodnight messages in the past that it sort of becomes a benchmark. And it creates a high standard that i unconsciously impose upon a special someone. When i don't receive the same amount of sustained attention and response, i begin to feel unsure, have self-doubts and the spark of indescribable optismism fades off. I have to realize that everyone is different and the sort of infatuation feelings don't last. Like it or not, you have to learn to accomodate to those differences, or you'll end up hurting not only yourself.

It's already been a month and today it's still just like any ordinary day of a single life. Initially, absence makes the heart fonder, but now, it's becoming more of a case of out of sight, out of mind :( the after-effects of infatuation, honeymoon period? what will happen next time? :(

Sorry darling, i have to shut you out of my life till exams are over. At this rate, i'll never be able to focus 100% and give my utmost best to exams revision. But then, if i'm able to tolerate for 3 weeks without seeing you, it might as well be that i'm better off without you. And you deserve someone else alot better.

This is a very emo post, but i have to clear my thoughts first. It's really a sharp contrast from my overjoyed reflections and postings in the initial first few weeks. Largely it's my own fault and own problems that I have to overcome them myself. At times, i really need you to be there for me, but i dare not let you be there cos I was afraid I would depend on you and become over-reliant on you. Eventually, it seems that i'm strong-willed enough to survive on my own. I have to admit headstrong and stubborness are my weaknesses. If this is my way of life for the past 20 years, then breaking out of this habit/barrier needs alot of time.

Maybe i'm too used to receiving instead of giving. Maybe i'm too used to constant attention instead of complacency and neglect. Maybe i don't know how to appreciate and cherish. Maybe i'm not that strong afterall. Maybe i'm just insecure and afraid of getting hurt again that i've built a brick wall that is unbreakable. Maybe it really really does take alot of effort, time and commitment to make a relationship last, if change is the only constant. Ideal relationships doesn't last and the perfect person doesn't exist. Fairytales don't really exist, cos magic is an illusion. If love is like a glowing flame, how do you make a flame give out oxygen to continue burning on even more radiantly? I've asked myself this before. And a love like this seems rather impossible. Perhaps understanding each other is the only key. Then again, love is mutual effort and commitment, it takes the willpower of two people to sustain the momentum. At this point in time, one thing is for sure, i'm still learning everyday, trying to adapt at my own pace.

Once again, focus on what is the most important goals first. Know what you want and go for it. I will never know how strong i am, till being strong is the only option left. The past few days have been a test of my determination, and so will the next few weeks. Hang in there! :)

Thou shalt not blog anymore till the last day of my exams. Adieu!

missing you very much, grandma

2010-04-15T16:31:00.000-07:00

“Grandparents are a family’s greatest treasure, the founders of a loving legacy, The greatest storytellers, the keepers of traditions that linger on in cherished memory. Grandparents are the family’s strong foundation. Their very special love sets them apart. Through happiness and sorrow, through their special love and caring, grandparents keep a family close at heart.”

“Surely, two of the most satisfying experiences in life must be those of being a grandchild or a grandparent.”

i still miss my grandma. the 20 years of beautiful memories will stay close in my heart.

the last month of being a year2 :) or :( ?

2010-04-10T00:37:00.000-07:00

i'm supposed to study now but i guess i can't really concentrate on my work until i sort out my thoughts. yea, it's kinda good to have an online journal as a handwritten one, cos it's more convenient i guess. but then again, of all places, to post your personal thoughts on an online platform? well yea, so anyway...

the past two weeks has been really hectic, with essays writing and submission. and really, i am very disappointed with myself for doing this kind of lousy grade essay. it's not just one essay that is sub-standard, it's all 4 essays. seriously, i have 2 months, 2 MONTHS, to prepare the essays and all i did was to leave it till the last minute to rush out whatever i could gather. Why is this so, i keep asking myself when i did the essays. Every semester, i keep regreting the last minute work, and every subsequent semester, i will just repeat the same old mistakes. So, is the idiom that man are creatures of habit justified? And there's another saying that you are bound to repeat the same mistake if you do not learn from it. Actions speak louder than words. So where's your actual implementation - is it just empty verbal rhetoric to appease your idealistic goals?

let's be realistic. i want and i do are two different extreme sides. i want is idealistic. i do is realistic. despite being a pragmatist, which requires a combination of wants and dos, i haven really been doing what i ought to. but then again, what hinders me from achieving my goals? as i think back, i wanted my results to be good, not just good, but extraordinary. but it's nowhere visualising. is it simply just procratination? lack of interest in the modules? difficulty in comprehensing the facts? joining too many non-academic activities? inefficient time management?

okay, i think i have to work on my essays style of writing. i have to organise and draft out my essays well in advance. what's over is over. no use crying over spilled milk. and likewise, learn from your mistakes! if i should have started doing my essays earlier and since this is an irreversible fact by now, i MUST start studying for my final exams. since the weightage is about 50% - 60% per final paper, there's the only hope i have now. and if at any point in time i really face a mental block or feel like discrediting myself, i will look back at this post and evaluate my rhetorics and actions. how disappointed i am with myself and how badly i want to achieve the grades. well, on a brighter side, if you've hit the rock bottom, the only way is up. so that's it! okay, enough of all these ramblings of my frenzied thoughts, i guess i have sorted out most of them. and i really need to focus on studies. it's just two more weeks to the finals and one more month to freedom! now and then, it's just full-blast mugging! heh heh :)

2010-03-31T00:41:00.000-07:00

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'” :)

focus yo!

2010-03-27T04:46:00.000-07:00

So many essays and work that needs to be cleared. And I'm quite relieved that all the PS tutorials are over now. No need to rush through the readings. Now, all I need to do is to focus on churning out 4 excellent essays! Note to thyself, extraordinary, not mediocre! From now till 11 April, I will put my studies as my no.1 priority!

And I haven been training much for adidas sundown. Tomorrow is the nus biathlon race, and I'm kinda worried, i mean rather worried. I'll give myself max 1 hour time limit. I'm more worried about the swim part cos my freestyle is cmi. And then the uphill is kinda worrying too. So so so steep upslopes! And to run those slopes after a 800m swim??? Hmmms. But still, if I have conquered a marathon before, nothing is impossible. Cos I have already done the impossible! Come what may, I will fight on! :)

I just slept for 12 hours non-stop! Effects of eating flu medicine. I can't really get sick again from now till final exams. Feel so weak! :X

Determination is what gets you furthest.

Motivation for studying

2010-03-10T10:46:00.000-08:00

“If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it”.

Once again, it's back to the MARCH on month - the bombardment of essays deadlines, tutorial presentations, and tons of readings to clear. I'm in horror and awe by the amount of work i have to accomplish and ace it, of course! The magical 4.8! Hahahaha. That's my key motivation now.

After some mental block whenever i'm doing my work, i realise that it all boils down to your inner wants - how badly you want it. How badly do I really want a second upper honours? It matters alot to me. For years, I've compromised my studies for the pursuit of sports, martial arts, music and simply procrastination. This time, I'll put my heart and soul into my studies, for it will be the last stretch of my life studying as a student. 2.5 more years, and i'll make it a memorably enriching one! No buts and ifs, it's a dare and it's a challenge to myself - to get that mark.

And this year, it has been an extraordinarily busy year for me with 21st birthday celebrations as well. I don't think i'll want to have a birthday blast by organizing a party, save everyone the hassle of buying presents and being abit economically less well-off.

Extraordinary, not mediocre results! You determine your fate.

extraordinaire

2010-03-05T00:44:00.000-08:00

yes i am, or i think i am still striving towards this goal of extraordinaire. till now, i am still understanding myself - my thoughts, actions and responses.

some of my thoughts from today’s run…

if less is more, nothing is everything? i still find it hard to reconcile being contented and keep striving to excel. and i am indeed still floundering and hopping here, there and everywhere to find the purpose of my muddle-headed existence. and then again, does every human being born into this world have a purpose in life? being peaceful and non-conflictual means aggressiveness and agility is compromised? as i study political science, i find myself in difficulty trying to make a stand cos often i sway between the realist and liberalist point of view. yes, i agree that dialogues and cooperation are beneficial, but security is a self-reliant concern. perhaps i’m a liberal pessimist? or realist optimist?

and is “good” ever going to be enough? so what’s the point of being the best, only to realise that the constant is change, that there will always be someone better than you or age catches up with you (haha)?

is “what if” and “it might have been” the same? i think “what if” sounds more optimistic, in that it is not constrained to any time period - the past, present or future. though it’s important to learn from mistakes (especially procrastination!), many a times, i just make the same mistakes over and over again. a very very very good example is switching off the alarm clock every morning and continuing to pig in my lala~land. haiz. kinda depressing huh. when can i ever learn…

and about karma, i believe that if you do good, you’ll reap your gains. but what good is it if you act with the intentions that you’ll be rewarded? do natural disasters happen just because of tectonic plates shifting or global warming or is there a spiritual meaning behind it? and i realise that i’m still rather ignorant about accepting any religion yet.

if curiosity killed the cat, is it still worthwhile to engage in quest for greater knowledge? my response is this: if you really want it, it’s worth it all. it has to be a calculated risk though.

during every long-distance run, somehow my mind drifts off to the philosophical world. while my mind is trying to focus my concentration to keep running, it is at the same time, diverging to another world to distract me from my breathlessness.

argh. somehow this semester i’m less occupied with ccas and races, but still, i feel that my study pace is seriously snail pace. maybe a snail gets more accomplished that me each day, as it sources for its own food and survival :(

my mum told me that if i can put all my passion and enthusiasm for running and sports into my studies, i would have attained a first class honours lo! hohoho :DD then again, i do want my life to be colorful! so certain things have to be compromised.

existence

2010-03-02T11:43:00.000-08:00

sometimes, now and then, i question my existence in this world. what do i live for? and why do i continue living? and then i will end up with this conclusion: to love and be loved. cos among all things and feelings, i feel that love is the most irrational. it comes in all forms, magnitude and reasons. yet, on the flipside, it's degree is ever-changing and sometimes, love has no reasons.

there is a choice i have to make. the greatest happiness is when it is shared. i can't help but be disgusted and revulsive at inhumane human rights conditions, cos nothing is as close to my heart when the right to live is denied. i think that joining the military and going on humanitarian missions if i'm given the opportunity is the best shot i can get. this, taking into account parental worries, financial securities from a job, the backing of human resources and resource aid, and safety from the volatile conditions, is the most well-thought strategy than if i go alone (which is a noble but rather foolish aim).

infinite answers

2010-02-23T00:42:00.000-08:00

"it's impossible to find someone who will never hurt you, so go for someone who is worth the pain".

if i really love him, i will do anything to make him happy, even at my own expense. is this too idealistic? sacrifices for true love, is it worth it? love is a question that has infinite answers.

letting go

2010-02-15T00:59:00.000-08:00

how true. letting go ain't easy; it's not a test of endurance and stamina, rather, it's the acceptance of what is and what's not. and i'm glad that in the struggle for realization, i found my love for long-distance running :)

i tried so hard and got so far, in the end it doesn't even matter

2010-02-14T16:57:00.000-08:00

the inertia inside me is rather strong, to the extent that i do not want to get hurt anymore. love freely if you want to live life to the fullest, but it has its painful consequences. i used to fight for my own rights and happiness, yet i am not doing this anymore, cos somehow it doesn't matter anymore. i tried so hard and got so far, in the end it doesn't even matter.

from extreme pessimism to extreme optimism, i've discovered the optimum attitude towards most things in life is in-the-middle approach. though it may be indecisive and wishy-washy, it's perhaps the most balanced and well-thought viewpoint. that's my stand, a flexible and non-aligned stance.

still, would i do anything in the miraculous occurrence of an optimistic sign? i may :)

courage is the bravery to live on

2010-02-12T00:19:00.000-08:00

All that I'm after
Is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
And I think that
All that still matters is the love and the laughter
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

(Daughtry - Life After You)

awwww... kinda sad. emo -.-"

hmmms, what will i do if something extremely heartwrenching and disastrous happened to me? in between the stage of "time heals all wounds", if i ever feel suicidal, it'll be time for me to try bungee jumping or parachuting out from a helicopter. i think this is a harder feat that ironman triathlon!!! despite the fact that i have a fear of heights >.<

to me, courage is the bravery to live on.

sunshine and smiles

2010-02-07T17:17:00.000-08:00

"Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day". -P.S. I Love You

Recently, I have a newfound hobby - to go up to the bus driver at the end of the bus ride and tell them "thank you, uncle!" I can't describe the degree of gratitude they have in their smiles, especially during the late night shifts. And it adds value to the end of my tiring day, after school and trainings/rehearsals. Never underestimate the power of these two words, "thank you". After all, the three greatest pharses are these: 1. "sorry" 2. "thank you" 3. "i love you" Yet, they are the least spoken.

into each life some rain must fall

2010-02-07T02:18:00.000-08:00

Into each life some rain must fall.
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

it's been a long time since i even noticed that it rained at night. a terrific time for reflections? nah, for tonight, i just want to relax and appreciate the rain.

today I went back woodlands regional library to mug. HAHAHA! back to the old days of mugging. kinda miss the days of mugging in that library, it brings back memories of o'levels and a'levels info-cramming sessions. and yes, it's also back to the old days of chasing after buses and trains and sprinting to lessons, just to make sure that i reach class on the dot. my method of speed training - with a purpose! hehehehe :DD

childhood dreams

2010-02-06T01:15:00.000-08:00

it's hard to find a soulmate, cos who would want a girlfriend or wife who is an army officer next time? there's no use kidding yourself into delusion - that an office job is demure and there are better prospects of marriage. that is not me, not the life i want. maybe, if i really regret my decision, at least i can look back and say i have fulfilled my childhood dream of joining the military. since my other nonsensical childhood dream, that of being the boss of a mafia triad, is like building castles in the air. something i can only daydream about after looking at movies and drama serials. lalalala....

heartpain, what is it?

2010-02-05T00:13:00.000-08:00

i fell down today, at a slippery shiny slope. And the first thing that came to my mind was my pride - i have to act as if there's no pain and keep walking on, amidst the crowd. bloody wound, please heal quickly. i want to run and swim again. in fact, tomorrow i would do just that.

who cares when i get hurt? and would i care if you get hurt too? or is it a vicious cycle that everyone hurts everyone, just a difference of the degree?

heartpain, is it physical or emotional?

2010-01-27T17:11:00.000-08:00

ironman triathlon - the second greatest challenge for me. it's all about yourself, hanging in there when the going gets hard. i want to accomplish that by 26 years old. 3.8km swim, 180km bike, 42.2km run. sounds cool eh? hehehe :)

and the hardest challenge ever is to find a soulmate, which is almost impossible, since it requires mutual commitment and trust. since the only constant is change, i'm not exactly optimistic about matters of love and relations. it's quite scary, considering that you have to spend maybe 50years with someone?

the military

2010-01-24T17:10:00.000-08:00

i've always wanted to join the military since 12. be it the army or navy. now that i'm 20, there is increasing pressure to have a vision of your future career. despite so many warnings from friends and family, i know that i only have ONE LIFE, and this kind of opportunity do not come your way again. i do not want to look back 10 years later and regret why i did not fulfil a childhood dream. somehow, i do not like to conform to social norms, yes it's true that my greatest fear is dying as an ordinary average person. that's why i have this obsession with challenges - i crave for the sense of achievement, and you are the sole mastermind of your fate. and i will complete the ironman triathlon one day! :) the paperchase and thereafter climbing up of the social ladder is all too routine and sedentary for me, though it's the demure and respectable job for ladies. somehow, even when you have a wide range of achievements - undergraduate studies, love, sports, family, friends, social life, comfort, security - you know that you're all alone. people around you are only a part of your life, not completely your life. that's why it's important to distinguish emotional attachment and not get too caught up in it. memories - they can be a boon or bane, or both simultaneously.

2010-01-23T17:08:00.000-08:00

bruised and battered by your ~~words~~ silence. i miss you still, yet you'll always be a memory. music - the double-edged sword pains and heals the soul.

colours

2010-01-23T17:07:00.000-08:00

look underneath the exterior of a colorful life. it's either someone is at her darkest stage of life and trying to camouflage the pain. or it may be that she has already broken free of this sad phase. i hope it's the latter and it takes time to heal indeed.

2009-12-09T17:05:00.000-08:00

not experiencing any failure in life is rarely a sign of perfection; rather it's a sign that your goals aren't bold enough.

random quotes

2009-11-27T06:58:00.000-08:00

you brought colors into my life!
your heart is free. have the courage to follow it.
They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.
There is no person in the world who is made to handle every punch that’s thrown at them. We aren’t made that way. In fact, we’re made to get mad, upset, sad, be hurt, stumble and fall. We aren’t supposed to be able to handle everything. But that’s what makes us stronger in the end, by learning from the things that hurt us most.
Often imagined, much desired, never found.
Some people care too much, I think it’s called love. - Winnie the Pooh
Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day. -P.S. I Love You
Dear Stranger, you are lovely, have a wonderful day. from another stranger.
The best vitamin to be a happy person is B1.

it's a dream

2009-11-27T05:57:00.000-08:00

what if the only person who can make you truly happy is also the one who made you cry? what can i do? life has to continue, despite the fact that i think of him every day, hoping that he is happy. if my non-existence is what makes him happy, then i will happily oblige. this is so dumb and stupid, i miss him so much, but there's nothing i can do. it's a lesson that i have learnt. a painful and heartbreaking one indeed.

keep running. to forget your pain and him. i'm running for myself. the upcoming 42k.

no rewinds

2009-11-23T08:05:00.000-08:00

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You’ll have your heart broken and you’ll break others’ hearts. You’ll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you’ll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you’ve never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone’s hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don’t be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back". - Unknown

it might have been

2009-11-19T03:25:00.001-08:00

Realizations and reflections - these experiences give you a whole new perspective and direction in your life. Today, I chanced upon this quote by a great thinker "it might have been". Personally, I couldn't agree more. It is disappointing and sometimes, to the point of heartbreaking, to reflect on your actions and the happenings if things did not go the way you want, and you have to end up with the bleak and hopeless conclusion of "it might have been". Which is more hurtful - "you lied" or "it might have been"? The former is a betrayal of trust, and the latter is a form of regret and attachment to an idealistic belief.

When faced with problems, I usually first isolate myself and think till I have a solution to the problem. I do not like to trouble others; if you have your personal problems, likewise your friends do too. Personally I am more of an introvert and social circumstances have trained me to adapt and be sociable and outgoing. Then again, it is partly because of my wide ranging interests and hobbies that motivated me to join so many activities. And somehow, I keep forcing myself to be so busy to the extent such that I do not have time to think about the sadness and regrets. But when the goals and aims are accomplished, the feeling of sadness and loneliness creeps in again. Though surrounded by friends and family, academic and sports achievements, social life and ccas, I just have this feeling of inner loneliness. A void empty hollow core protected by a fortress of trained hardness and toughness. A facade...

I am still struggling to find myself. Who am I? What criteria should I use to define myself? And is it fair to judge myself based on a set of criterion? They say if you judge, you have no time to love. So how do I find myself? What's in a 'self'? Haish. The more I think about these questions the more I emo. -_-"

gratefulness

2009-11-10T09:17:00.000-08:00

86,400 seconds a day. how many of it have you used to smile, laugh or say thanks? as i reflect on my daily life, it seems that i spend less than 1% of my day being cheery and grateful. it's one thing to be optimistic, but another to be really truely happy. somehow, i've learnt that gratefulness leads to happiness. being contented with what you have translates to happiness. no? previously, i did not agree that contentment = happiness. because if you are easily contented, then you have no aspirations and expectations to reach greater heights. but now, i've realised that a fine balance between contentment and expectations is the most ideal and realistic.

i'm contented with all i have, for the family background i'm born into, i wouldn't have achieved what i wanted today if i was born in another social background or condition. inequality exists in the world, and if you seek justice and fairness, what's just and fair to you may be completely contrasted with another's perspective.

the friends i have, be they my best buddies or hi-bye friends, somehow our paths crossed and it's meant to be fated this way then. i've always daydreamed what will happen if i attended another school, joined another cca or happened to be at a particular place at a certain time, i would be much happier. i wouldn't turn back time and change anything, because at one point in time, it was exactly what you wanted, even if things may not turn out the way you want. this is called life, adapting to what it throws at you. fate meant that we crossed our paths, but it's a mutual choice that if we're friends or more than that. again, it's about the fine balance, one-sidedness in friendship or relationship isn't realistic at all. you give some and you receive some.

"Suppose there were an experience machine that would give you any experience you desired. Superduper neuropsychologists could stimulate your brain so that you would think and feel anything you wanted. All the time you would be floating in a tank, with electrodes attached to your brain. Should you plug into this machine for life, preprogramming your life experiences? Of course, while in the tank you won't know that you're there; you'll think that it's all actually happening. Would you plug in?"

last week during the american political thought lecture, prof mentioned about an experience machine. it was stuck in my mind for quite some time. and i came to this conclusion. i wouldn't plug into this machine unless i was old or stricken with some illness. the main issue here is the amount of time left to live and this would be a solution to prolong life. like it or not, if life had a save and restart function, it would be meaningless to live cos it takes away the challenge and excitement of life. you never know what you're going to get is so much more interesting than being able to predict or preprogramme your future.

and really, i do agree with the adage "time heals all wounds". at another point in time, you will realise that certain things are enlarged out of proportions and too much effort and emotions were put into the matters. you will be grateful that certain things happened and it will prepare you for facing even harder obstacles in life. come what may, you will survive eventually. smiles always! :)

weakness

2008-11-27T22:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I wonder. Instead of doing things I really like or interested in, I join things out of impulsiveness. It seems that I can never learn from my mistakes. Do I have any aspirations or goals? What do I want to achieve? I am ambitious, but this overwhelms me at times, during the process of achieving it. What is the point of joining so many things when I can't put my heart and effort to concentrate on even one? Jack of all trades, master of none. There are so many things and opportunities that I have wasted. As I look through my brother's blog and some of my friends' blogs, I can't help but think that I have wasted alot of time and energy on non-relevant things, things that doesn't value-add my life. Or is it that I have been too weak that I give up easily? Let's see, taekwondo, aikido, muay thai, organ, guitar and japanese. I have pursued these interests half-way, well, some are not even half-way, but I gave up on them. And now I have given up on karate, german and maybe even road relay. WHY? Because I am too busy? Because I need to concentrate on my studies? It's simply because I am WEAK. Coming to this term is hard, because I have already developed a sort of resistance, a shield to protect myself. Each time I fail, I feel crushed. But who doesn't? It depends on who gets back on the feet the fastest and most firmly. The inner struggles are never-ending and I find some enlightenment everyday. Reflections are done, but lessons never learnt. I'm still in this vicious cycle of monotonous busy buzz. Will it end? I ask myself, simultaneously knowing that it is a rhetorical question.

plethora of emotions

2008-08-30T02:57:00.000-07:00

University life has already started. It feels like being back in jc once again, the hectic pace of life overwhelming me.

School work is taking its toll on me. There are so many readings to read! Especially since i'm taking content heavy subjects like pol sci, history, jap studies, bio and german this semester. Well, every module and subject seems hard to me! Haha. I feel I haven't been studying much since school started. Gotta start mugging! I've got to keep up with the current affairs as well as familiarise myself with history. Wish I had taken history in jc instead.

I know I shouldn't join so many activities like I used to, but I can't help it. I'm suffering from internal conflicting interests. This stubborn compulsive streak in me wants to join karate, windsurfing, taekwondo, bizcom and hall track, swimming, band and dance. You better channel your energy to studying and mugging! I can't afford to slack anymore.

So many things have happened and looking back, it's like a blurry flurry of commotion. Time and tide waits for no man. I know it's time to grow up but there's this strong reluctance in me. It's rationality against my emotions.

What do I really want in life? What's my greatest fear? To just be another average person? I'm unsure and lost. Perhaps it's time to delve into philosophical theories or spiritual aspects of life. Have I spent 19 years of my life fruitfully? I have to get out of this haphazard and unstable state of emotions. Let me be enlightened.

It's a facade, a guise, a falsity. I have to accept the fact that I'm not that strong-willed anymore.

I need someone to protect me too.

2008-06-01T00:41:00.001-07:00

NUS FASS! Here I come! ^_^

Decided on FASS instead of NTU HSS. I'm more for political science than linguistics & multilingual studies. Hahaha, I can choose to do sociology, psycholoy, european studies and japanese studies exposure modules in 1st year too! =)

Plus, there is kendo, capoeira, karate, canoeing and wakeboarding in NUS! So many activities to try out! XD I'm looking forward to it!

I'm joining the Student Union Camp and Sports Camp too! Oh well, all my hard earned money is gonna fly away from me...

2008-05-17T05:11:00.000-07:00

Topsy-turvy. Upside-down.

That's the state of my mental health. Hah. Too many things to do, too little time. It's the same feeling again, is it not?

what's in a self

2008-03-28T19:53:00.000-07:00

I took the quiz to distinguish my career path. And I'm still as muddle-headed as I was 10 minutes ago. Well, you can say one month ago. I've been pondering over political science, sociology, mass communications, business and computing. Not that I really know what I want to become in the future. In fact, uncertainty overwhelms me. For a long time, I had wanted to join the army or police. The career path was clear-cut and I was really enthusiastic about the uniformed civil service. Now, as I stand at a major cross-road in my life, I'm teetering and vacillating.

Not too long ago, I discovered that I was not cut out to be a policewoman; I simply could not take the gore and violence associated with the profession. The sight of a flattened-by-lorry cat and a gun-shot crow just brings my sympathy all out. I do not envision myself to become an officer and constantly tell myself to stop worrying about the mess of blood, limbs and debris at a crime scene. I do not want to be hardened, nor do I want to fake myself. The truth is, confidence can't be faked. My true calling is simply not in this line.

Some deep and thorough soul-searching is what I need. I need to have a breathing space and relax. "Why are you always so hard on yourself?", a friend said to me. I have to kick my compulsive urge to fill my life with activities to the brim - my so-called "living life to the fullest" wonder heaven. For the last 4 years, life was a frenzied and maddening rush. To live like that for the next ten years would be a chimerical plan. So many times have I felt like crumbling down, relishing control of everything I had worked so hard to achieve, and yet, this inner voice told me to bear the responsilbity of my initial decisions. And it is through all these that I built up my confidence and perseverance. As I reflect back with another perspective, I am decided on my plan. Now is the time to truly live life to the fullest - if not now, then when?

2008-03-28T19:46:00.000-07:00

WHAT MAJOR IS RIGHT FOR YOU?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as History/Anthropology/LiberalArts

You should strongly consider majoring (or minoring) in History, Anthropology, or related majors (e.g., African and African-American Studies, Chinese, Classics, Cultural Studies, Economics, English, French, Geography, German, Greek, Hebrew, International Studies, Philosophy, Sociology, Women's Studies, or other Liberal Arts majors).

It is possible that the best major for you is your 2nd, 3rd, or even 5th listed category, so be sure to consider ALL majors in your OTHER high scoring categories (below). You may score high in a category you didnt think you would--it is possible that a great major for you is something you once dismissed as not for you. The right major for you will be something 1) you love and enjoy and 2) are really great at it.

Consider adding a minor or double majoring to make yourself standout and to combine your interests. Please post your results in your myspace/blog/journal.

History/Anthropology/LiberalArts

88%

French/Spanish/OtherLanguage

88%

HR/BusinessManagement

81%

Visual&PerformingArts

81%

Psychology/Sociology

81%

Accounting/Finance/Marketing

81%

English/Journalism/Comm

81%

Religion/Theology

81%

Education/Counseling

81%

PoliticalScience/Philosophy

81%

Physics/Engineering/Computer

63%

Biology/Chemistry/Geology

63%

Mathematics/Statistics

63%

Nursing/AthleticTraining/Health

50%

my return!

2008-02-01T22:46:00.000-08:00

I'm back to blogging. After a long hiatus? Haha. Guess I need some platform to express my views. Now, where shall I start? =)

WORK!!! "Workaholic-cum-Coffeeholic" me! I'm currently juggling 2 jobs now & I do love my job, workplace and colleagues! Haha. For my office job, I can just read the newspapers or surf the net after I finished my assigned tasks. Yeah. Anyway, it's quite relaxing but it can be stressful at times, especially when nearing seminars and conferences. I have to correspond with HR personnels from hundreds of different organisations . You see, I'm in the IM team - Implementation Team. Objective: Promote & create awareness to the general public. Just barely one month of office work, I discovered something I really want to do in the future - formulating and implementing policies! Yay! Speaking of my other job, I love learning the menu and the wine list. And observing customer behaviours too! Yes, waitressing job, but this time at an italian restaurant. It's been 2 months and I'm still staying on? I guess so, can't bear to leave my beloved colleagues. Haha.

I'm also back to learning music. After nearly 3 years of MIA-ing, not having any serious practice or singing sessions, allowing my electone to collect dust and leaving my midi disks to rust... Oh well, my 1st lesson after such a long break went quite well today. I can still pitch accurately, okay? Haha. Oh yes! I'm also back to learning aikido and muay thai! Muahahaha.

Everything is starting to fall into place now. The life I used to lead - busy and packed to the fullest! One life, live it!

TRACY IS ABSOLUTELY ECSTATIC!!! =)